Conscious Dialogue

a Speaker-Listener format for effective & compassionate communication

Table of Contents

Sharing: The Role of the Speaker

Do’s and Dont’s

Role of the Listener

    Appendix:

Super Brief Simple Version (TLDR)

Support and Making Requests

One partner talks more than the other partner can absorb

Conscious Dialogue is a variation of, and also referred to as:

Speaker-Listener • Compassionate Dialogue • Active Listening • Listening with Love • Authentic Communication

This is a type of dialogue between two people who would like to connect with each other, to become closer, or to understand each other more.

This method requires one person to be the listener and the other one to be the speaker. After the speaker feels “heard” the roles reverse. “Heard” means that the speaker feels that what he or she conveyed was listened to well enough by the listener such that the speaker feels expressed, listened to, and satisfied. But it does not mean the Listener has to agree with what was said or even completely understand.

Environment: 

It is best to be somewhere quiet without interruptions. Phones are put away.

Time allotment: 

Fully executed, meaning both people get to be heard, can take anywhere from 5 to 20 minutes. Duration is not a determinant of quality. Vulnerability, acceptance, and attention are far more important than length of time.

Format:

How the couple sits together can vary. Try different styles. 

• It is not recommended that participants lay down because this can lead to someone dozing off to sleep.

• The deepest connection likely comes when participants face each other and have eye-contact. 

• Touch or not touch: If the couple is experienced and each person is comfortable with touching, the couple may hold hands or intertwine their legs or bodies, as in a hug or an embrace. But touching is not necessary, and in fact, can be a distraction from listening. So only couples with experience should entertain touching.

• Couples can also sit with their eyes closed if it proves to be too uncomfortable in the beginning or if the subject matter is too much for one to face the other. Or they may sit back to back or shoulder to shoulder such that they are not looking each other in the eyes. However, eye-contact is preferred.

Get Grounded

Both people will want to get grounded. Sit together and when settled, one can ask the other something like “Would you like to breathe together?” This is a cue for each to close their eyes, take a couple deep breaths together, and then sit quietly breathing normally. This can go on for as long as you like such that both people feel relaxed and present. 

To give you an idea, this can typically last anywhere from one to three minutes but of course can go longer. Practicing meditators may even want to sit for longer periods before and after the session. 

The cue to get grounded could be whatever you want. For instance, some people might say “let’s meditate” or “shall we get centered?”... Almost like asking someone to dance a dance of peace, vulnerability, and connection. Shall we dance? → Shall we connect?

The couple will sit quietly until something arises in one of them. What arises could be a feeling, or a sensation. When this happens the person could say something like “I have something I can share” or "I'll share." And the dialogue begins.

Note: Only if the participants are new to tuning into their emotions and thoughts, a prompt can be used. Prompts can be something like “What’s alive in you?,” “Tell me about something that bothers you” or “Tell me about something in your life you have struggled with.” The speaker can express positive things too.

Sharing: The Role of the Speaker

OBSERVATIONS

• Explain the situation, very briefly

  • What you heard with your own ears, saw with your own eyes…

  • Don’t assume or guess anything. Say what you observed like a lab technician reporting what they observed

Do’s and Dont’s

Don’t:

• Blame the other person in any way.

• Share much about the "what" of what happened

• Share much about details and explanations

• Share much about other people doing this or that

• Label or Assign global descriptions

  • Example: Don’t say “You’re selfish,” instead, “I noticed the last bite was gone.”

• Overgeneralize

• Use absolutes (unless absolutely true)

  • Example: “You always spill juice” instead “I noticed the juice is on the floor”

• Use hyperbole / exaggeration

  • Example: “It has happened a million times.” When you want to exaggerate, notice the emotion in you that wants you to exaggerate.

Do

•  Share Your feelings

  • Joys, sorrows, fears, frustrations, excitement…

  • For example, "When I heard you say ‘no’, that you needed to go to sleep, and you declined to help me test my new phone by calling me, I felt rejected and hurt. I even got mad. Then, I didn't kiss you goodnight or even touch you. I realize now that it's ok for you to say ‘no’ and to take care of yourself. It doesn't mean you don't love me."

  • One can even express feelings that are based on irrational thoughts - and then state that the thought was irrational. For example, "When I heard my boss was hiring another manager, I felt a sense of fear that I was going to be fired. It was uncomfortable. I realize now as I express this how irrational the thought of getting fired was." The feeling is real at the moment.

Role of the Listener 

Incorrect way to reflect/listen/respond:

• Getting defensive

• Explaining your side of the story

• Solving the other person’s problem

• Fixing or helping the other person

• One-upping the other person

Correct way to reflect/listen/respond:

• Every so often, ask “may I reflect back?” or “I want to make sure I understand you so far, may I reflect?”

• The Listener does not want to wait too long otherwise there will be too much to absorb and the Listener may forget parts of the information when it comes time to reflect.

• Tell the Speaker in a concise manner what you have heard so far.

• Say what you heard them say about 1) the situation and 2) most importantly, their feelings.

• Reflect in your own words as much as possible, but if you can’t, it is ok to use their words.

• Confirm with the Speaker that your reflection is accurate (e.g. “Do I have it right?”)

  • • If it is not accurate, that’s ok, listen to the speaker’s clarification and then reflect that back.

• • Once the Speaker is complete, ask the Speaker if he or she feels heard. "Do you feel heard?"

• Once the Speaker feels heard, ask “How can I support you?”

  • See below for Support & Requests

After the Speaker answers, the roles reverse.

Appendix:

Super Brief Simple Version (TLDR)

Speaker says

I observed _________ (whatever they saw the way a lab technician would report)

I felt ___________ (whatever they felt, use the Feelings Wheel to help identify feelings)

Listener says

You observed ________ and you felt _________

"Do I have that right?" or "Do you feel heard?"

• If no, Listener asks "What am I missing?" 

  • Speaker elaborates, then the steps above are repeated until Speaker feels heard.

• If yes, Listener asks "How can I support you in this?"

Speaker then either says they don't need anything because maybe they just wanted to be heard, or…

If Speaker needs more than being heard, Speaker makes a request.

Requests do not have to be granted - that's part of relationships.

Support and Making Requests

     This is What Support and Making Requests Look Like

     When the Listener asks “How can I support you in this?”

The Speaker might say something like

• I just needed you to listen, thank you.

The Speaker could also make small requests for love and connection such as

• Can you

  • hold my hand

  • hold me

  • hug me 

  • cuddle with me 

  • lay with me

  • take a walk with me…?

The Speaker could also make larger or solution-oriented requests related to what they just shared. Here are some examples:

• Can we set a time to sit down together and start creating a budget?

• Could we make a plan for you to share in the responsibility of planning our date nights?

• I enjoy working out and spending time with you. Would you start coming to the gym with me?

First thing the Listener does with a request is to REFLECT BACK WHAT YOU HEARD.

• What I understand the request to be is that you would like me to commit to sitting down with you to do a speaker-listener on a scheduled basis? 

Do I have that right?

• The Speaker either confirms or clarifies

Once the request is understood, there are four things the Listener can do

1. Grant the Request

2. Ask for time to think about the Request

3. Suggest an Amendment to the Request or a new solution they think is even better.

4. Deny the Request

• Any 4 of these responses are acceptable - REQUESTS DO NOT HAVE TO BE GRANTED

• Expect that your partner will sometimes deny or amend requests. 

• The Requester may have to deal with feelings of rejection, unloved, unimportant or whatever feelings come up. These feelings are valid. These feelings can be learned from and processed and sometimes even internally healed using therapy methods or by seeing a counselor.

If one partner talks more than the other partner can absorb

• It is ok, if one of the participants tends to talk more than the listener can keep their patience or attention. As a benchmark, talking more than 10 minutes on a single expression / situation may begin to challenge the level of attention of the listener.

• It is ok that the listener cannot keep attention or maintain patience for a certain length of time, speak up and say so.

• It is ok that one speaker tends to like to talk more than the other can listen.

  • The solution: 

Use an hourglass timer or other type of timer. Set it to 5 to 7 minutes. Speaker must finish with their share in that time. If they have other things to share they can request to schedule another speaker-listener sooner rather than later.